You have been a faithful companion for most of my life. I loved you from the bottom of my wine glasses, held you close during the fight-reconciliation process of so many toxic relationships.
Even my family loved you. Most of my friends. They thought I should stick with you through everything.
Even though you were slowly killing me.
Even though when I looked in the mirror I didn’t like who I was when I was with you.
I was so afraid to disappoint you, to show myself as someone who would be happier without you.
Because that’s the truth.
I don’t need you. When I was near-penniless and without a home it was difficult to see how I used you as a crutch.
I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it.
And, now, to tell you.
No longer will I pretend others are better than I am. No longer do I need to look at myself as broken or confused, and cling onto you in order to feel better about where my life is.
The life I want to live is no longer around the next corner.
Just like that, I’m living it.
I ask for what I need, not to survive, but to thrive. And, in so doing, I inspire others to do the same.
I know how easy it is to fall for the opiate of your love. To sink into codependence, to tell yourself that you just need to keep doing whatever you’re doing for a few more years, and THEN you can truly do what you want. Have the relationship you want. The career you want.
If someone breaks up with you, you whisper in their ear at night (as you did mine) that they may fail. They may not be able to pay rent. They may be lonely and depressed forever. Easier to stick with you. To believe in settling. To make settling the dream instead of the golden song that streams forth from the heart behind everything that you do.
And… thank you. Thank you for showing me what was intolerable to me. Thank you for revealing to me my strength.
I shall remember and hold you as one of the most powerful lessons I’ve had in this lifetime. Now it’s time to write my own story.
Your Ally In Power,